It’s a beautiful sunny Sunday, the garden is on the cusp of all it’s spring glory, a lazy day stretches ahead of me; idyllic. I’m ovulating, but my husband is away.
I knew this would happen. I started to get my head around it a couple of weeks ago when my period arrived a good week earlier than expected. I knew then that my husband’s carefully planned holiday would now perfectly straddle our optimum time of the month. (The evening before he left we planted a cherry tree in the garden; I’m trying not to see it as a metaphor for our chances in case it doesn’t survive.)
I woke up this morning and laughed; the irony! When you look at the list of things that have got in the way of our baby plans, it really hammers home how little control you have over the whole process.
In the 16 cycles since we started trying, we’ve had a lot of hiccups:
- 1-3: I now know I wasn’t yet ovulating
- 4: urine infection
- 5: I was at a hen do
- 7: husband away
- 8: holiday jet lag messed up my cycle
- 13-14: I broke my wrist
- 16: husband away
When you look at it like that, it goes to show how much life gets in the way. Throw into the mix that I only seem to ovulate two out of every three months and it’s easy to see why we haven’t yet got pregnant.
For control freaks like me, that can be a little tough to get your head around, but in a way it’s a good leveller. I feel like I’m on a journey to get my life back to being, well, just my life, rather than all about Project Baby. Keeping things in perspective plays a huge part in that.
Here’s how I’ll spend today:
- Write this blog post, in bed, with a cup of tea
- Water the garden (check on the cherry tree)
- Go for a run
- Listen to my hypnotherapy track
- Sew curtains for our summer house
- Do some yoga
- Watch a film
Hypnotherapy is playing a key role in my mental health of late, a way of re-training my brain to let go of things that aren’t in my control. Yesterday is a great example of how it works. I spent the day with two wonderful, old friends and their gorgeous children. The three of us all have different struggles, none of our lives are perfect, but for me it really rams home what we are missing when I spend time around my friends’ families. I had a lovely time being highly entertained by the kids, cuddling the baby and catching up with my dear friends, then came home to an empty house, knowing things won’t happen for us this cycle.
A few months ago, that would have resulted in floods of tears and comfort eating. Instead, I spent 30 minutes listening to my track, allowing myself to think about what will be in the future, rather than dwelling on what I don’t have right now. I came away feeling hopeful and calm, and woke with those feelings this morning.
Ok, things aren’t going to go our way this cycle. C’est la vie. Today is a day for crafting and nurturing – all else will follow.